Field Notes From a Religion-Less Christian

January 10, 2022

Bled Out by the Psalms

For some time now I have thought that if I kept up the patterned discipline of reading the Psalms daily, 150 each month, that at some point they would break into my consciousness and rather than I remembering them, I using them, things would turn and they would remember me and they would use me. 

Today, with Psalm 51, I had a lot of that. That one is deep confession, of course. Nothing new there. But it was in the practice of making those words actually my words, not a recognition of the significance of confession as I read the words, but in actually confessing as I read the words, where the switch came on and the change happened. 

What I have been finding is that it’s very important to speak the words in the first person in real time – not observe them as being first person address, but actually try the words on and see how they fit. Too tight? Too loose? Just right? How do I look in the mirror? Is that me or somebody else? Do this with the readings that are first person and then too do the same with second person, with statements about God, evil, life, trust.

It’s a lot, this number of Psalms each day in order to complete 150 each month. Who has time for this? Well, really? Yesterday I spent 2 hours watching a movie. Who has time for that? We see, then, it’s not the time it takes, but the heart it takes. By that I mean the exposure of your actual and authentic self. It’s not the intuitive way to heal, this being cut open and bleeding that happens when you let the Psalms in. But just like the dynamic of salvation that is faith alone, where there is no life until a death occurs, there is no life in the psalms until you are bled out, until you are dead. You can’t stop mid-way in your exposure and get out the gauze and ointment and work to wrap the wound up to protect yourself from dying. But oh, who wants to do this kind of daily death? Who sets out daily to do that? Why would I intentionally give myself an hour in the day to do that?

I’m reminded of Jacob wrestling the stranger through the night and insisting on holding on until the stranger would bless him (where is that in Genesis?….I don’t have a Bible handy to look!).  To read the psalms you have to realize you are not appropriating spiritual wisdom that you can apply as a salve for your wounds or suggest to your friends over brunch or editorialize in the newspaper. Rather, you are in a wrestling match with God, and God will pin you down and you will be defeated. Well, more than that. You will die. If you cannot do that, if you cannot be utterly destroyed and be left with nothing but a waiting for somebody to come along and find you and give you a second chance, another life (call it hope in the resurrection), don’t waste your time with the Psalms. Watch that movie instead. I’m afraid that movie will not bless you, and only instead entertain you. Not that there isn’t something to be said for that (I’ll keep watching movies). But if you want to be blessed….torn open and killed and brought back to life with more vigor than you can imagine,  read the Psalms. Pray the Psalms. Use the Psalms. Or, rather, let them use you.